Routine vs no routine

I am a no routine kind of person. Maybe that is my routine. To never decide anything in advance. Always act out of free will when the moment arises. Surprise myself.

I don’t like plans. People, for some reasons, think I do. But I don’t. I like the creative phase of arrangement and I must admit, I love the esthetic part of writing it down or presenting it as a project. Looking at plans. But not following them.

When it comes to me I want to wake up when my eyes decides to open. I want to stay in bed or put on my jogging shoes, depending on the energy level. I want to have a large breakfast or I want to fix a quick smoothie. Always, one thing at a time and always, ready to change direction.

This does sometimes complicate things for the close people around me. When I studied in Båstad, and me and my room mate Lina, had finished for the day and got on our bikes from school, she would often ask what my plan was for the evening. A simple question. But my reaction was to feel strained and edgy and I would mumble something about having no plans at all and not knowing anything (even if I did)

She could have asked if I was going to breathe and I would have said that I didn’t know.

Just not wanting to decide. Or feel as if someone was making the decision for me. A common result in relationships where one partner has a need for control. In many cases, I think one person always become the other one’s opposite. Think about it.

I have a great need for space. And for some reason, a need to come to my own decisions. Almost to a ridiculous degree.

Forgive me friends, if I act irrationally sometimes.

Are we becoming such people that in each and every moment of our lives, we need to search within and feel what we need and want? Can we never decide anything in advance? Can we not rely on each other anymore? What if I have decided something with someone, let’s say to rent a movie. But then when the time comes, I don’t feel like watching a movie. When is it ok to cancel? What commitments should we attend to?

I guess it depends on the agreement you have in your relationships with people. Outspoken or not. What expectations are there? Because when someone sits around and waits for and you don’t show up, keep in mind that they could have chosen a million other places to be at or people to spend time with, but they chose you.

I think you should recognize your own desires and your free will. But also, remember, that by choosing your own path, there will be those that will stroll along with you, and those, that will take another turn.

Remain in respect.