I feel it all

I don’t know where to begin this blog post. I just know that I need to write it. Excuse me if my thoughts seem a little scattered. They are.

I had two intense, amazing weeks with my dad and there is more to come. Tomorrow my “extra” gran, Ursula, comes to visit. After her, four friends are invading my living room. When they leave I go to Mozambique. I return on Christmas Eve.

Christmas? Really? Already…

I haven’t had time to catch up with myself lately.

But really, what do I need?

When I wake up from the sun’s rays every morning and my best friend is smiling right through me and we walk down the quiet street with a coffee in our hands, talking about yesterdays and tomorrows.

Or when I find myself falling backwards under shining stars. And the air is warm and there is an alluring excitement in the breeze, for reasons we do not speak of.

I am in a constant state of awe.

For life. For the loved ones. For the music that seems to summon all emotions.

For the mountain and all its greatness. For myself, in all this incredible mess.

I have been asked if I want to stay at the company here in Cape Town six more months after my contract ends in March. I have many reasons to stay, but others to go.

All I know, is that I will not be spending the next few years in Europe.

It feels as if I’m getting closer and closer, to finding out what I want to do for a living. Where the money comes in you know. I can almost touch it, but it’s not ready yet. Until then, I live and learn.

I am visual. And lately a lot of images are appearing.

    • I see dry, red colored soil. And my hand on a pen, writing, as I do now.
    • I see myself on an airport, checking the smorgasboard of the world. Finding your name.
    • I see myself walking down a beach in a white dress. My heart is about to jump out my throat.
    • I see a house with a garden and chimes hanging in an old tree. I see myself with long hair again. And prime age lines around my eyes.
    • I see blue mountains and my smile in pure love. In a curly, brown haired boy’s eyes.

    But that is far in time. This is now.

    Me, sitting on a hard wooden thing, similar to a sofa. Looking out the window as the dark clouds are hovering over Table Mountain and the palm trees yielding to the wind. I wouldn’t change a thing.