It has been windy lately, outside and inside of my mind. And just like the season is changing, so am I. I still haven’t found the appropriate thing to wear to match this new mood, but I hear faith is a good accessory.
Weird Wednesday – I moved into the new apartment, the one I thought would become a home. I got the keys late and came into something that once was a home, but now seemed deserted, sad and shabby. The landlord was strange and the warning signals started ringing. But what could I do but hold my self tight until I managed to fall asleep, surrounded by dark walls.
Troubled Thursday – What now? This place was no good. It was not cleaned and I still hadn’t gotten an account number to pay the rent. I tried calling the landlord but got no answer. Instead, I called a long gone friend, who needed my support more than I needed my own.
Fatiguing Friday – I worked late at the supermarket and closed the store at 10.30 p.m, exhausted. Drunken people on the subway made me feel unsafe when I got off and walked up the hill to the apartment, that I decided to move out from.
Stillness Saturday – 8 hours yoga and mindfullness. We were a group of seven that shared the day inside a white room cushy with mats and blankets and lit up with candles.
In complete silence we did yoga exercise, meditation practise and had lunch with nothing but the still autumn breeze around.
As the impressions around us diminished, the senses elevated and I found myself being grateful even for the tiniest almond crumble on my plate that someone, somewhere had planted and picked, just for me. We finished the day with letting sounds enter in forms of music and guitar playing. When I said goodbye and walked off I was in total acceptance to all things and ready for whatever would come.
Stormy Sunday – Fate took its toll. I was faced with a new reality. Inevitable, probably, and maybe not so unexpected come to think of it, but still the storm in my heart left me sleepless. When the clouds cleared up at 5.30 in the morning it was already time for me to go to work. I took the path through the woods, guided only by the moon light and I thought of the poem; compass me moon…
Moody Monday – A lot of things were hovering up on me and I knew I shouldn’t be alone. Britta and Lito welcomed me with open arms, we watched a silly movie and I fell asleep like a baby on their couch.
Training Tuesday – I got fit for fight. I love working out and more now than ever before, because my body craves it. I gave all I had and received it multiplied.
Wake up call-Wednesday – My slowmotion dreamer, my childhood friend, came to me and we went for a three hours soup lunch.
And there, in between conversations of our old friends, thoughts about what we used to love and how easy life really is for people like us, I found the answer.
I told him; I think I just need to get drunk and laugh again. This whole soul searching has gotten me weary.
And we laughed. Simple as that.
I’m still me. Loving and living in a suitcase.
Sometimes it seems heavy to carry, but most times I think of it as the weight that keeps me grounded, when the winds grow strong.