Life is a rollercoaster

I am standing in a glass bulb while millions of snow flakes whirl around me, like scattered pieces from the past; memories, glimpses, faces and places, they all come down on me now…

In the contrasts I make out the picture, I lay the puzzle and I watch myself emerge in the middle, like a film reeling on its own record.

It’s been an emotional roller-coaster of a year…

This year I have known absolute freedom and complete happiness. I have felt the sand silt between my toes, with the courage and strength of the mountains behind me and the ceaselessly calling ocean in front of me.

The first couple of months of this year I felt the kind of comfort that makes you feel at home. In a place. In the clothes you wear. In the eyes of the people you meet. In the way you act and the person you are becoming. And I am forever grateful for knowing that feeling.

I am also aware that the feeling had to pass. That I had to move to continue to grow.

This year, I have known absolute love and timeless pleasure. There are reflections pinned to a mind’s collage that no one will ever see, except the two that shared the moments, and even so, there are probably millions of ways of looking at those pictures, and even more ways of interpreting the meaning, but beauty often lies in the unexplainable.

It is what it is.

This year, I have known sadness and frustration. The second part of this year I felt really lonely although I had never before had so many friends close by and family support me. I felt rootless, restless and confused.

I lived at 11 places this year, of which 9 since June. During that time I memorized 8 entrance codes, lived at 7 different subway stops and stayed 6 weeks at the same place at the most. I only unpacked my suitcase once, for the period of 4 weeks I lived with the guys.

It was all my choice, but none the less, a confusing time.

But the good thing about our conception of time is that we get to press stop and play. We get to put an end to a year and a start to another. We get to reflect on where we’ve been and where we are going.

From a bigger perspective I know it’s all just my mind playing tricks with me. There is only Now. But what does that help when the feelings are catching up on me, when the film reels me in.

As I decide that the year is almost over, or the episode of the film is coming to an end, I have no regrets. I welcome 2010, be it uphill or downhill.