Cheers blend with tears

There is a buzz from inside the bar

Like a bee, stuck in jar

There’s all sounds of chatter

Inside of my head

Cheers blend with tears

Morfar is dead

3 days until I go home, and I feel it sneaking up on me, that childlike feeling of wanting to be young and cared for. Apart from a week’s vacation in June when I went to Stockholm and Dalarna, I haven’t had any vacation in 9 months. And I haven’t been home to Hudiksvall once in all that time.

I couldn’t miss it more than I do right now, with my grandpa’s passing and all. He was sick but not very old so it’s sad, but also a relief.

I imagine the buzz inside his head ceasing, the lid coming off and the light pouring in with air. Not air as we know it, but seamless, limitless space.

And if ever the bee was stuck in the jar, it is bathing in pure love and light now.

And it is free. And it flies off.

I imagine death as peaceful.

I remember when my other grandfather died, we all gathered around his body to say goodbye. It felt strange to be looking at an empty resemblance of him when all the while I felt his presence in the room. It was obvious to me that the soul never dies, it travels on, it blends into where it belongs.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was going to write a blog post about death.

It’s 3 in the morning again. I can’t remember the last time I went to bed before this time. Been working the late shift for three weeks now and my friend Ryan has been here, and I’ve been thinking a lot, and reading until late.

I finished David Nicholl’s “One Day” in less than a week. It’s been a top seller for a few years, but I’ve dismissed it as another chick-flick love story and the film never got good reviews. But a Swedish guest at the hotel gave me her finished copy and said it would make me just as happy as sad.

I cried during the last chapters. Some tears for grandpa, some out of tiredness but mostly because life is just so heartbreakingly beautiful, filled with so many chances, experiences, emotions, twists and turns, changes, laughter and love.

Cheers, through the tears!