Mind Conditions

I’m staring at a blank page but my mind is buzzing.

Thoughts and feelings, insights and confusion, pleasure and pain, all seem to battle for my attention.

I’m left without words to pin-point what it is, which creates a kind of suffering, but also sparks the attempt to give it a try.

So here I am. Writing.

One letter in front of the other. Until I am on the other side.

I strained my neck three days ago. It came completely out of the blue. I was working away on my laptop, sipping cortado at an outdoor cafe, when suddenly, I felt this burning pain at the right side of my neck and I went completely immobile for a while. I’ve had my share of back and neck pain in the past and one of the first thoughts was actually, ‘wow, I’ve been well so long I have forgotten what it feels like to be in pain’. But that didn’t change the fact that I barely got on my scooter and sobbed the whole way home.

I’m much better now but I guess I failed to acknowledge the effect it had on my mood, not being able to move properly or get good sleep. So I still rushed around from one social commitment to the other, getting wrapped up in all the energy that is so prominent in Ubud, and it left me really drained and unfocused.

People talk about Ubud time as a concept here, because they know that the stuff that goes down here in a week, is most likely what happens in a month, or perhaps during years, somewhere else.

And believe me, a lot is happening, or at least about to happen.

I am connecting with so many amazing people every day and exploring so many new ways of being and doing. At the same time, I’ve been missing my old friends and family a lot. I feel like this trip is as much for them as it is for me and every day that goes by without me sharing my experience with them, I grow further away from myself.

But here is the problem. I don’t know what to share yet or with whom.

I don’t know who to ask for help when it comes to creating a website, what technical tools to use for newsletters, logos and photos, what articles or topics I should write about, what service I can possibly provide, how I can communicate what the heck I am doing, if I really have it in me, what I should do about the job offer I have just received, whether I did the right thing to turn another one down, if I am being ignorant to the fact that I am using my last savings to finance this journey and if maybe I should worry more about the fact that my credit card from Norway still haven’t arrived after four weeks.

There is also what places I should visit in India now in February, where I will live in March and April and what happens when I return to Scandinavia in May.

But in all honesty, those are very far off worries.

And to be even more honest, I feel ten times lighter just having put this on print and my only real concern right now, is whether to catch a restorative yoga class or go for a simple evening walk to ease my thoughts.

Because like the weather in Bali these days, they are loud like thunder and gentle like rain, with rays of sunlight penetrating every moment.